Metadish, Fresh from NYC

We’ve always heard the reason why there’s almost no crime in Bay Ridge is because certain people didn’t want heat being brought to the neighborhood with heightened police presence.  We just never imagined those certain people were milk smugglers.

The lines have been drawn since 1862 when Louis Pasteur developed the process that would be known as pasteurization to rid milk of possibly harmful microorganisms. For decades raw milk advocates were forced underground to ply their trade in dank, dark, underground hiding places for fear of being caught by the man, a.k.a. the FDA.

Now, with organic food making a huge comeback, raw milk lovers are coming out of the woodwork to share their secrets. The secret life of the milk smugglers. And this is how one lone reporter from The Brooklyn Paper almost broke the biggest milk smuggling operation in the history of The Brooklyn Paper.

“I know something you might have some interest in that one of my friends is into, but I doubt you will be able to find anyone who will talk about it,” she told me. “She’s smuggling milk that isn’t pasteurized from a farm in Pennsylvania to her Bay Ridge apartment.”

“Your friend is a paranoid — and an idiot,” I told her. “Why would she want all those enzymes in her milk? And I have serious doubts that anyone is going to jail for drinking milk.”

“You’re the idiot,” she replied. “If you ever read a book you would know that a lot of people believe it is much healthier, and that the government will go after you if they find out you are distributing.”

I was intrigued, especially after I learned she was correct.

You see, it’s legal to own raw milk. It’s even legal to carry it. If a cop stops you and searches you in Bay Ridge, he can’t take away your raw milk, that’s one right the cops there don’t have. It is however illegal to sell it or to transport it over state lines. And since there aren’t very many cows in Brooklyn, the Bay Ridge Milk Mafia has to smuggle their raw milk in from a farm in Pennsylvania.

Sure pasteurization takes out all those pesky enzymes that can make you really sick but apparently it takes out everything that’s good for you too. So how good does pasteurized milk really do the body?

An FDA report on illnesses caused by raw milk over the last five years says there have been 18 “outbreaks” of bacterial illness involving raw milk or raw milk cheeses in 15 states. Those outbreaks have sickened 451 people, a few of those seriously enough to be hospitalized. The report lists types of bacteria that might be found in raw milk, including campylobacter, escherichia, listeria, salmonella, yersina and brucella. It also lists diseases raw milk products can cause, such as tuberculosis, diphtheria, polio, strep throat, scarlet fever and typhoid fever. How could the FDA have been so wrong?

Most doctors seem to agree that while organic food/free range food is the way to go, raw milk is still pretty sketchy and can make you sick as hell if you get a bad batch. But that doesn’t dissuade the Brooklyn Milk Mafia who are actually spreading out into clubs across Brooklyn to share their love of all things raw.

Still, Matt Lysiak, the Brooklyn Paper reporter approached by this source, “Deep Milk” was only on the verge of breaking it wide open when suddenly, things got bad. His source got fingered.

“I am really sorry for wasting your time,” she said, claiming she got orders from the top. “But we can’t help you anymore at the risk of the government finding out, so the story can’t run at all.”

And with that, she pulled down the brim of her fedora, snapped up the collar of her trench coat and disappeared into the foggy mist leaving only the lights of the Verrazano looming in the background. And the story ran anyway, the end.

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